All dialog guaranteed verbatim.
Literal Minded Bugger of a Customer: My social? I wasn't aware that this involved socials, or that dances had digits.
HCL: That would be your social security number.
LMC: Ah, why didn't you say so? Yes, I can verify the last four digits of my social security number.
[several seconds of silence]
HCL: Sir? Are you there?
LMBoaC: Yes, I'm still here.
HCL: Sir, can you verify the last four digits of your social security number?
LMBoaC: I said yes, I can. If you tell me the information you have, I'll verify it for you.
HCL: No sir, I need you to tell me the last four digits of your social security number.
LMBoaC: You want to verify what I tell you, is that it?
HCL: Yes.
LMBoaC: Ah, I see. You seem to have this a bit backwards. Why didn't you say so? The digits are XXXX [Those are not the real digits, by the way, or "BTW" for the youngsters in the audience. If I told all of you the real ones, you might be able to verify them, which would not be a good thing for me, I gather.]
HCL: Yes, and how can I help you this evening?
LMBoaC: Well, I've had an account with you for many years, and have always paid my bills on time, but for some reason, you have increased the interest rate on my card to 29 percent, and reduced the credit limit to $390. This would seem to indicate that you don't want my account anymore, so I would like to oblige you by closing my account.
HCL: Yes, I see from your account that you are a very good customer, is there anything I can do to change your mind?
LMBoaC: Can you restore my credit limit to $10,000 and the interest rate to 8.9%, which were the terms last month?
HCL: No, I can't, but I can give you a free gift.
LMBoaC: What would that be?
HCL: A credit card holder.
LMBoaC: Uh, no, that's OK. Just close the account please.
HCL: I'm sorry I can't do that. I will have to transfer you to someone else who can.
LMBoaC: Please do.
HCL: Before I transfer you, may I please have your daytime phone number?
LMBoaC: May I ask why?
HCL: For account maintenance purposes.
LMBoaC: Account maintenance purposes?
HCL: Yes, so that we can maintain your account.
LmBoaC: You mean the account that I am closing and will no longer be maintaining with your company?
HCL: Yes.
LMBoaC: Do you see the irony in that?
HCL: I'm sorry sir?
LMBoaC: Never mind. No you may not have my daytime phone number. Please transfer me to the person who can close my account now.
[Beep beep. Hold music.]
HCL#2: To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking
LMBoaC: Define pleasure. Oh never mind. John Albin, that's A-l-b-i-n [I always spell it because for some reason despite only two simple syllables, no one ever gets it.]
HCL#2: Yes Mr. [sounds like "elbow"], how may I help you this evening?
LmBoaC: I would like to close my account?
HCL#2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, may I ask why?
LmBoaC: Well you've changed the terms so as to make it unusable, and I have other cards that are better, so I don't see the point in keeping an account that you clearly don't want.
HCL#2: I'm sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to change your mind?
LMBoaC: No thank you.
HCL#2: I'm sorry for the inconvenience, I'm sure you understand the reasons.
LMBoaC: It's no inconvenience to me. You're the ones losing my business.
HCL#2: Yes, but you understand that with the financial situation we have to change the terms.
LMBoaC: What financial situation? My account is in good standing. I pay my bills on time and rarely have a balance.
HCL#2: Yes, but the bank has been losing a lot of money.
LMBoaC: Not from me.
HCL#2: No sir, you are a very good customer.
LMBoaC: It's nice of you to say so. Please close the account now.
HCL#2: Yes sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?
LMBoaC: No thank you. Just close the account.
HCL#2: Just to let you know sir, after you close the account, you will not be able to use it.
LMBoaC: Yes, that's the point.
HCL#2: Your account is now closed. Sorry for the inconvenience.
LMBoaC: No inconvenience at all. Good night.
[Click]
The financial system is doomed.
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